“How can we be happy?” asked Wonjangnim.
“When we’re in the moment,” I responded. But that was only after I had processed a silent emotional roller coaster ride on my yoga mat.
Not long before he had asked this, I desperately raised my hand, wanting an answer no matter how silly my question sounded.
“How do we know we’re happy?”
“You just know. You’re either happy or you’re not. You just choose in the moment.”
A wave of sadness came over me. Tears started to well.
If he had asked me how I felt at the beginning of class, when he was asking everyone else, I would have replied, “Happily relaxed.”
But now the realization hit me in the heart: I so often seem to choose anxiety and disappointment.
Then, came grief. All the time I’ve wasted. All those moments I chose to over-analyze every.little.thing. All those moments: gone.
But then again, what was he talking about? Choosing happiness didn’t feel like a choice at all! How annoying that he thinks we can choose! Come on. Really?
And as that angry thought was crossing my mind, he asked, “How can we be happy?”
It was clear as day.
I raised my hand again, “When we’re in the moment.”
The sadness was gone. The grief was gone. The anger was gone. I came back to a relaxed, happy state.
“That’s right. You have to choose. You have to answer like that,” Wonjangnim remarked.
And this is why we come to yoga. This is why we do things we love: because before a certain, point we don’t really have a choice. We are led and directed by habit and conditioning. We can’t help it.
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be different.
Keep feeling. Keep watching. Keep letting go. Come back. Choose happiness.
*I dedicate this post to my dear friend and yogini sister, Michelle D’Almeida. Not only is she a good friend, but she’s also a precious teacher. On this Friday I learned a lot about the power of feeling your feelings through her courage to feel, watch, let go, and come back. Thank you for being real and raw, my dear. Your courage is contagious. Never forget this.
*Also, a big thank you to HK Ku for translating during this Friday’s class at Ayurveda Yoga. These insights couldn’t have happened without you.