I want to tell them

I want to tell them that this semester is about me finding my footing.

I want to tell them I’m sorry for all the experiments.

I want to tell them this all feels so unfamiliar.

I want to tell them thank you for trusting me.

I want to tell them I’m starting to trust myself more everyday.

I want to tell them, but I can’t.

And so I tell myself. And you.

*this was a light night experiment of impromptu poetry/blogging. Thank you for reading

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13 thoughts on “I want to tell them

  1. I SOOO relate to this poignant poem, Josette…times when I my soul cries out to go past the protocol and rules, to make reveal myself authentically and go deeper with my students, yet, as you say “I can’t.” But I realized that this is not true; if the world were ending tomorrow, and no protocol or rules mattered, I would… So for me, it’s not I can’t, but I CHOOSE not to – and perhaps, just perhaps, I might take a leap and make a different choice… Thanks for inspiring this challenge to myself!

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  2. I LOVE this. I have often felt this uncertainty, and I admire your vulnerability in blogging about it, Still I wonder, why can’t you tell your students, especially when you’re training teachers and experimenting is part of the teaching process, self-directed learning, and professional development? Do you feel the pressure from yourself, from them, from the administration? I think this is up there with letting our children see us make mistakes. It’s important *not* to be infallible. Modeling learning is as important as modeling teaching.

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting Elizabeth! I always appreciate your perspective. And I fully agree with you here. I think teachers need to model learning and that learning happens via mistakes.

      This semester I’m back to teaching university students. I’m teaching communication classes to freshman. When I said I can’t share this with them, it was pretty literal. I can’t share because I don’t think they can understand that level of English. :) I also don’t think they really need to know the points I am referring to here.

      I guess I believe there are boundaries to what our students need to know and this poem has helped me see where I believe those boundaries are.

      Thanks for helping me go deeper!

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  3. Read this while commuting. Really touched me since I am feeling much like that. This is what I was writing on my phone right before reading your post. A bit embarrassing to share, but your authenticity and sharing prove that seeing how we relate can help bring peace inside.

    10/15 – on bus en route to second school:

    “Some days I wake up feeling I’ve figured it all out. I’m confident about my teaching and I believe I know the best way to help my students communicate better. Other days I wake up full of self doubt. I question everything I’ve done, I’m doing, and plan to do. Past, present, and future all come together as an overwhelming force yelling, “You could be doing so much better! That’s not how learning works! Stop pretending you can teach X, Y, or Z.”

    I love teaching, and I know this self doubt is part of growing. Learning. Sometimes it hurts, but I also know that I am very much alive and notificing the world inside and around me.

    Again -thank you for sharing, Josette! Your messages of self-compassion and openness are just what I need sometimes!

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    1. Thank you so much for putting your heart out there Laura. Teaching isn’t easy! When I read your words I see a teacher with a deep desire to do right by her students… And as you say, this desire is wrapped up in deep doubt. You are balancing paradox in a sense. I think this is often the burden of the awakened teacher or the teacher who is aware. There are so many theories, practices, emotions… to consider. It’s no wonder doubt creeps in.

      I wrote this right before bed because I couldn’t get it out of my head. I was a bit apprehensive in pressing publish, but had made a pact with myself before writing that this would be an act of spontaneity. When I woke up and saw your comment I felt grateful for not censoring myself as I can often do. What a gift to know that we aren’t alone. I truly felt touched by your courage to share what was going on for you at that very moment. In your sharing, I feel less doubt in myself. Thank you for that dear.

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